“I am a young woman in my twenties. A young man who is financially capable has proposed to me, and his family respects and loves me. We have a strong friendship with his family. He is respectful and obedient to his family, ambitious in his work, close to God, and respects my family. Al-Fatihah was read, but we have not yet taken the step of engagement and announcing the engagement, but I am hesitant whether to continue with it.” Engagement or end the matter because I do not accept him completely and do not accept him as a lover and husband, I do not accept that I continue with him for the rest of my life and imagine that he is my husband and we go out together and form a family.

I do not feel his words or his feelings, although he loves me very much, but his love does not reach me, and I am unable to reciprocate his feelings or words. I tried a lot with myself, but I don’t consider him more than a brother or a friend. I tried to justify to him that I do not return words and feelings to him because of my shyness, and that I need time to get used to him and rest, and I even avoided talking to him and pretended that I was asleep. I feel like I’m laughing with him as a compliment, and I feel bored in our words, and I want to end the call.

What makes me reluctant to end the relationship is that I love his family and feel comfortable with them, and I am also afraid that the relationship between my family and his family will be strained if I end the relationship, especially since my family is convinced that it is my lot and there is good in it. What bothers me the most is that he commits humiliations that make me feel that his lust is controlling him, not his feelings, and I am worried about his impulsiveness in speaking, and I feel that it is forbidden. Recently, we had a problem that I felt hurt my dignity, so I became completely annoyed with him and unwilling to forgive him, and I do not accept to talk to him again, and what is worse is that there is no passion for me to talk to him and I do not feel that I miss him.

I agreed with him that we would deal as friends so that I would not get used to it and relax, but he gets angry and rushes me and wants to say flirtatious words or provocative words even if I do not respond to him. I prayed to God a lot and prayed istikhara more than once, but I never found a solution. So what do you think?

Dear reader, we fully understand your confusion and that fear and intense obsession that you will miss what appears to be an “irreplaceable opportunity” and “a groom for a shot.” ​​Everyone praises his morals, financial condition, circumstances, and most importantly his family, who appear to you as a comfort zone and a safe choice because you already know them and they know you, so you will not feel anxious. From compatibility with them or compatibility between them and your family.

Before I convey to you the response of the specialists to your letter, I just want to refer to the last part of your letter. You say that you prayed to God a lot and prayed istikhara, but you did not reach a solution, while the answer is quite clear in your feeling of discomfort towards him and not your perception of him as a lover and then a husband. It’s also annoying that he doesn’t respect what you’ve agreed upon and your natural need for time and exploration and is instead showering you with feelings that he needs to unpack and probably won’t make much of a difference to him who receives them. He deals in this area with extreme selfishness, as if your feelings are not important, as if he has to distract you or seduce you with what he can offer you of love instead of giving you the opportunity to explore his personality and explore the common areas between the two of you to bring you closer to each other and without leaving you the opportunity to make an unaffected decision. With emotions and emotional blackmail.

It is important to believe your intuition and feelings, and never underestimate the importance of feeling accepted towards him. Dr. Iman Abdullah, a consultant psychologist and family therapist, says that she fully supports you in ending this relationship and refusing to complete the marriage, because acceptance is one of the most important conditions and foundations for choosing a life partner.

And she adds: All that you say about his advantages, from a good financial level, ambition, beautiful morals, and religiosity, are all good things, but without the presence of psychological and formal acceptance, it does not guarantee a stable and happy life at all, but rather may cause an unhappy and unstable life, not only for the spouses, but also for the children. Acceptance It is the first seed of affection and mercy between the spouses, and it is what makes them ready to accept the troubles of marriage and to make the concessions necessary for the progress of life.

And she continues: The parents’ guidance to the children and their testimony against the potential husband is important. It is good for them to say that this person is suitable and life with him will be stable, but this does not mean at all that they force the son or daughter to marry, and they must notice for themselves whether the girl is happy with this man or not. Does she have a longing and eagerness to see him and likes to look beautiful in his eyes or not? Therefore, she advises you to end the engagement and not try to pressure yourself and look only at his advantages and complete the marriage without feeling real acceptance towards him.

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